The Skirt of Shame

It all started when Dad showed up where Mom works downtown. I was so happy: we were all together. Then Dad asked Mom if she would like to go to lunch. Mom said yes and hooked up my leash and outside we went. Like a good girl, I did my business so I wouldn’t get too excited and have an accident in the restaurant. You won’t believe what happened next…Mom took me back inside and left me! I did something then that would clearly let them know how displeased I was at being left behind. Mom was not happy when she got back and saw the wet spot on the carpet, including the wet trail I made to put a punctuation point on my point. But I figured she got the message.

After work we met Dad again at the house where we used to live. He had the lawn mower and instead of letting me help outside, Mom stuck me in the house and left me alone in there. I was not happy. So, once again, I made sure Mom saw my displeasure. When she came in the house after mowing, it was Mom’s turn to be not happy. She still gave me a drink of water.

We got home at 6:00, a whole hour late for my dinner. Would you believe that instead of hurrying to fix my dinner, Mom sat down at the sewing machine? She made this skirt and sewed it onto one of The Boy’s underpants. I thought it was pretty funny that The Boy was going to have to wear a skirt on his rear end…I guess the joke was on me. Oh, and I never got my dinner. I am not happy.

Shamed
         Shamed

First Boating Adventure of the Season

Mom spent a lot of time working outside today. Seems that part of it was getting my boat the Lexi B the Sammy Joe ready to go to the lake. The boy was outside working with her. He must have been doing a good job because I didn’t hear Mom yell, “Stop doing that and come help.” Then I realized what that must mean – we were going boating! I was so excited about the first time out this season. Of course, I am always excited about going somewhere, especially to the lake! I know Mom was worried about the Sammy Joe starting, seeing how it was the first time out this year. I am very pleased to say she started right up and off we went. I remembered that one of the first things we do is stop so I can get in the lake and swim a lap around the boat. It is very cooling. So I stood at the bow (rhymes with owwww) wearing my pink with white polka dots life vest to let Mom know I was ready. She just shook her head and dipped me real quick-like before pulling me back in. What she had been telling the boy was right – the water was cold! But it was still a lot of fun boating around the lake. Mom took some pictures to share. Notice how it looks like I could flap my ears and fly?

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2015-04-12 15.52.182015-04-12 15.52.332015-04-12 15.52.33

A New Torture

Mom devised a new torture for me. She must sit around thinking up these things. It’s called,”We need to brush your teeth.” What’s the “we” in this? It’s Mom doing all the brushing. Why doesn’t she just go brush her own teeth? Again. Leave my teeth alone; they are perfectly fine just the way they are.

Agh! Let go of my beard!
Agh! Let go of my beard!
Lexi teeth brush 3
I’ll be good, I promise!
Lexi teeth brush 4
This is dog abuse. Someone report it, please!

Dog food news

Mom is always reading dog food labels. It might take her an hour to get out of the store when she is buying dog food. Read, read, read, *yawn.*

She asked me to share this article about dog food ingredients. It was a bit surprising, even to my Mom, the dog food aficionado. (Do you like my new word?) It talks about ingredients that are there but not listed (like chicken), as well as ingredients that are listed but not there (like any form of protein, such as chicken). It also gives a tip about what to look for, something easy that even non-dog food aficionados can do. (He, he, I got to use my new word again!) This site is from my vet (bleh!) so it is safe. Just click on the link below the picture. Personally, I think Mom should only feed me what she eats! 🙂

Animal Medical Center Logo

http://amc-petcare.com/index.php?newsletters=26043

Mom back and pledging money from me (that I don’t have)

Mom’s back. She didn’t bring me anything. The first morning she was back, she forgot to move my stairs away from the bed, but I was good. After all, I didn’t want to have to wait for my surprise to be discovered and the sheets to be changed before I could go to bed that night.

Have I ever mentioned that we (Mom and Me) listen to NPR every day on the way to and from work? Well, we do. Most of the time. Except when something comes on that Mom doesn’t want to hear, and she pushes a button to change to some country station. There are a lot of country music stations to choose from here in Tennessee. I don’t mind as long as Mom doesn’t play it too loud. Once again, I have gotten off on a bunny trail. Squirrel trail is more like it. I never see bunnies around our house, but there are lots of squirrels. Although there might be a bunny trail now that we are so close to Easter. I will have to check that out.

Where I was going with this is that the last two weeks have been “give us money” time for the local station that plays NPR. Mom has been mostly tuning to the country stations during this time. Yesterday morning she heard the guy who talks on the local “give us money” radio station say it was Battle of the Dogs and Cats Day. The score was dogs-9, cats-5, corn snake-1. I don’t know what the corn snake thought he was doing in this battle. The idea of giving dogs another point prompted Mom to dig her phone out of her purse  and call the radio station while driving zig zag back and forth up the mountain. It was scary exciting and she managed to make it to our turn at the top without plunging off the side. I would have offered to drive, but my legs don’t reach the peddles. Actually, I can get my legs on the peddles, but then I can’t see over the steering wheel, or even over the seat, for that matter!

While still driving, Mom talked to the person who answered the phone and had to spell my name twice for him. I was hoping it was so he could mail treats to me.

As we were pulling into the church where we work, you can imagine my shock when I heard the guy on the radio say, “We have just had a pledge called in by Lexi the Schnauzer.” I sure hope Mom isn’t expecting me to pay it!

I am Lexi, the moneyless schnauzer.

Mom Is Deserting Me

It’s my last day at work…at least until Mom comes back. She is leaving on a plane and not taking me with her. She is going away to have fun with her friend. I feel cheated. I’m not going to have fun with anyone. Dad will still be here and Jentry said she would help take care of me. But they won’t play the “Leave it, find it” game with me or play chase or the “Rats under the covers” game.  I think the boy would throw my ball, but he doesn’t know how to do it right. Mom even said she won’t be helping me to blog until she gets back next week. I am sad.

I have to stay at home.
I have to stay at home.

Living in the Moment

I live in the moment. I don’t think about yesterday or worry about tomorrow.

For example:

Food – Mom thinks about buying it and fixing it. I eat it.

Shelter – Mom thinks about paying for it and keeping it repaired and comfortable. I live in it.

Attention – Mom hopes I will sit with her and ask to be petted. I get petted when I want it.

Water – Mom, well I don’t know Mom’s relationship with water. I knock my bowl around if it is empty and Mom fills it. I run when a bath is imminent.

Sleep – Mom schedules her sleep for certain night hours. I sleep whenever I want.

It’s good to be me.

I am Lexi.

Without a care in the world
Without a care in the world

But no one fed me….

Tonight, right before dinner time, my Dad left with Jentry and the boy. Dad didn’t feed me before he left. I don’t know if he forgot or just didn’t think it was his job, or what. Then Mom didn’t come home. She is supposed to come home and feed me my supper. I was abandoned. No food, only two bowls of water, no people with hands who could reach and scoop my kibble and yummy soft food. My nose led me downstairs where Jentry had thoughtfully left some cheese fries in a bag where I could reach them. Jentry is my bestest friend. I had to chew through the bag to get to them, but thought maybe that was a new game, like Mom hiding treats for me to find. So I played the game, got to the cheese fries and ate them – all of them. Mom and Jentry and Andrew and the boy finally came home. Mom said she needed some Lexi loving, so I got up on the couch next to her so she could pet me. Next thing I know she is asking Andrew if he had any idea why my stomach was so extended and hard and why I didn’t eat my supper. That’s when she found out about the cheese fries that my bestest friend Jentry left me. I had a lot of explaining to do.

Talking my way out of this one.
Talking my way out of this one.
Mommy, let me explain!
Mommy, let me explain!

Well, I have to go now. It is bedtime and I need to get my nite nite treat.

My Life in Slides by Lexi (the Schnauzer)

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Hoping to Skype

I was supposed to Skype with Noodle last Friday, but I told him that I had to wash my hair. Now I feel bad. I miss my Valentine boy. I wonder if he would Skype with me this weekend… To help Noodle forgive me for breaking our Skype date last week, I am showing him this picture of me as a puppy. I was about eight weeks old here. Who can resist a puppy? Can someone put in a good word for me? Maybe ask him to look at this picture? I am Lexi, the contrite schnauzer.

Too adorable to be denied.
Too adorable to be denied.

Freestyle dancing

I barked Mom into posting some pictures of when I last competed in Freestyle in 2012. She was very unclear with her signals, so I did a lot of what I wanted to do. Still, I was very excited about competing and taking third place. (No, Mom, I shouldn’t tell them there was only three dogs competing in that category!)

We are taking our bows before beginning. I am waiting for Mom's first cue.

Here we are taking our opening bows. I am watching Mom for my first cue to get started dancing.

I am so excited!

I am so excited!

Really moving!

Moving fast, isn’t my beard beautiful?

Through Mom's legs...

Here, I execute the under the leg weave as we keep moving forward.

I twirled to make that turn.I just made a turn by twirling around on my hind legs.

Watching for my next clue. Isn't my beard beautiful?

We are doing an Electric Slide move here to my left.

Congratulations on a job well done.All done, and getting some loving.

When it’s just you and your Dad at home

I have a good life. It’s because I have everyone trained. I used to go to work with Mom only on Thursdays. Now I go to the church to work on Wednesdays and Fridays and to her other office on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I know my days and am always ready to go. We all stay home on the weekend, so that’s ok. On Mondays I stay home with my Dad. It took a while, but he is finally trained. He gets up very early and lets me out to do my potty. Then he feeds me, always adding the special topping to my kibble. I usually go back to bed for a few hours, then get up in time to pester Dad  politely ask Dad to let me out and then to give me my mid-morning treat. A little later I join Dad for lunch and another trip outside.  At 1:00 sharp Riley and I accompany Dad down the driveway to the mailbox and get our get-the-mail treat.  If someone else has already brought up the mail, we still get our get-the-mail treat. It is only fair. At 3:00 I get my after-school-treat. I always remind Dad if he forgets. Of course I do not attend school, but The Boy does, and I think he gets out of school sometime around 3:00. That is a good time and reason to ask for a treat, as well as to go back out.

It is never too late in the day to practice dominance. Here is how to practice at bedtime with your dad:

First get your dad's attention by stretch- ing out on top of him.
First get your dad’s attention by stretching out on top of him.
Then sit up so he can scratch your pits. That also digs your front feet into his chest.
Then sit up so he can scratch your pits. That also digs your front feet into his chest, so he can’t forget you are there..
If he stops, resume the down position and stare intently at him.
If he stops, resume the down position and stare intently at him while scratching at his hand.
Got all that?
Got all that?
It's hard to stay awake when it is bedtime, but sacri- fices have to be made.
It’s hard to stay awake when it is bedtime, but sacrifices have to be made.
Domination plan: successful
Domination plan: successful

I have also taught Dad about the “schnauzer portion.” No matter what he eats, I get a bite. That is, unless it is too spicy and will cause my tummy problems, then he “looks out for me.” That means I don’t get my schnauzer portion. Sometimes at lunch he forgets if he gave me my schnauzer portion and I get another one. I never admit to the first one – I always want more I wouldn’t want him to feel badly that he forgot.

At supper I sit at the table with Mom and Dad. Unlike on my birthday, I do not get my own plate. Mom usually gives me something, and Dad, as I said, is trained to give me the schnauzer portion. I think I have Mom trained too; if it looks like Dad is going to finish without sharing, Mom says, “Did you give Lexi her ‘schnauzer portion?’”

Some of my wonderful new friends get a bit stressed when their moms leave for work in the morning. I know it is because they have been abandoned earlier in their lives.  Friends, I hope you see this and understand that your forever mom will be back, and until she returns, you have all day to work on training your dad. He will appreciate the closeness, the interaction, and knowing he is learning to do everything exactly how you want it done. Tip: Be sure the house is stocked with plenty of treats before you begin the training. Sometimes, he will even beg your mom to take you to work with her. I am sure it is so she can benefit from your training techniques as well. Either way, you win.

I am Lexi, the trainer.

Dogsitting

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Piper (L) gets too much attention when he is here. He hugs.

Mom was going to ground me from my Valentine’s Day date because I did something naughty at work on Thursday. Thanks to pleas from some of my friends, she changed her mind…and came up with a new punishment. Personally, I don’t think Moms should be allowed to punish their schnauzers. However, she said no one could arrest her for dog cruelty for what she did.

I have to dog-sit my schnauzer cousin Piper. That meant I couldn’t go to work with Mom on Friday. I thought about making my Dad suffer all day for what Mom did, but decided I would play it cool, hoping they would remove this punishment sooner. Nope, he’s still here. Piper was supposed to go home tonight, but now he’s not leaving until Monday night. He eats my food, sleeps in my bed, and snuggles with my Mom. And now Riley is acting like, “Hey Piper buddy, so glad you are back! Let’s play!” At least I get to visit with my Auntie Jen when she picks him up tomorrow night! And I still have my Valentine date with Noodle. Yea!!!

I am Lexi, the contrite schnauzer.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

The stupid Super Bowl is on. Before that the even stupider Puppy Bowl was on. Everyone is ignoring me. Good thing I saved my breakfast. I might not have been given any stupid dog food to ignore tonight.  If that wasn’t bad enough, Mom gave me a bath. She spilled powdered sugar on my beautiful hair and it got all sticky. I got cold from the bath, so now I am wearing my stupid hoodie with the silver reflective strip down the back. I hate my hoodie. It’s not been a good day.

They're ignoring me
They’re ignoring me

My Fortune

I learned that all the dogs (and cats) that Noodle nominated for a special award won. You win just by being nominated. I guess that’s ok, ’cause then no one feels bad about losing. I still don’t quite understand how we can all win, though. Mom says we are all winners because we are very good dogs and cats with loving homes. I think I will just go with that. Now I am supposed to nominate my furry friends for the award. I will try to think of other dogs – and cats – I know with blogs. Hmmm. This may take a while.

All this thinking has gotten my mind off of treats, and I have only gotten one today, my go to the mailbox treat.

Speaking of treats, I ate a Chinese fortune cookie and got a fortune. It said, “People enjoy having you around. Appreciate this.” That fortune must have been in that cookie especially for me. Inside my head I am smiling thinking about it. Now I have to go campaign for my supper.

I am Lexi, the fortunate.

P.S. My friend Noodle posted a picture of him looking so handsome that I had to add one of me looking extra-pretty. What do you think?

Gorgeous Worgeous Lexi
Gorgeous Worgeous Lexi

I won an award (again)

liebster-award

My new bestest  blog friend Noodle nominated me for the Liebster Award, and I won! Yea! You can check out Noodles blog at Noodle4President: The Adventures of Noodle the Schnoodle.

Along with the award, I am required to answer some questions. Noodle also added questions for me to answer, so here goes:

With the nomination comes the duty of having to answer 11 questions.

1) What do you consider to be the best time of day: When I first wake up in the morning. Dad feeds me my breakfast with special toppings, then I get to go to work with Mom. I hardly ever get a bath in the morning.

2) Name your icon: LexiToto. It is my headshot from playing Toto in the Wizard of Oz. It is in the playbills and on posters.

3) Do you have a nemesis, if so who / what? Nope, everyone loves me.

4) If you could have a super power what would it be? X-ray vision. That way, I wouldn’t have to jump up and check out if someone was eating in another room.

5) Postman, love them or hate them? The only postman I ever met was at work at St. Paul’s. I used to bark at him, and he would just smile and pet me. So I guess I love them. They can’t be intimidated, and they are good petters.

6) What is your earliest memory ? Coming to my new home when I was 8 weeks old. The big German Shepherd Ara wanted to play and he was trying to run me down. I had to dive under chairs really fast to avoid being splattered.

7) How did you start writing a blog ? My Mom found Dogster and she started posting all the interesting things I was doing on it, beginning when I was two years old. Then Dogster got bought by someone else and they threatened to close all the blogs, so Mom made me a new blog just my own.

8) Social media, pleasure or bane of your life ? Pleasure. It makes me more famous, which might mean more treats.

9) What is the one thing you treasure above anything else ? That’s tough. I want to say steak, but that sounds self-serving. (I would love to self-serve some steak right now!) So I guess I would say bedtime when I crawl under the covers long enough to lick Mom’s stinky feet before surfacing for air.  That’s when I have to jump out of bed and wash my mouth out with the fresh water in my bathroom water dish – no not the toilet!

10) Do you have a nickname if so what is it and why? Dad calls me Little One. Mom calls me Gorgeous Worgeous. My friend Gail calls me Lexipro and Lexicon. Sometimes I am referred to as The Lexter. I don’t know why, but I have learned to answer to them all in case someone is calling me to give me a treat.

11) What is your favourite past time? Acting on stage, then competitive dancing, also called Freestyle.

——————

6 Random Facts About Me:

1) I am 11. That’s not old.That’s 60 in people years.  I bark at people who call me old.

2) I am big breasted. It is caused by a fatty tumor covering my entire chest area. I hear breasts are mostly fat anyhow.

3) I love to ride in the car and go boating on my pontoon.

4) I love to go the the children’s hospital to therapize the kids, parents and staff.

5) My new Kindle edition book just got published. It is called The Life and Times of a Thespian Schnauzer. It is about me.

6) I hate bananas. And most chips. I like pickles and most any other people food.

Now, here are Noodle’s questions and my answers:

1) What would you do if your parents brought home a new puppy?
I would wonder if they needed their heads examined. If they wanted to clean up pee and poop all over the house and listen to a lot of whining, they should have just told me so. I can be very accommodating.

2) If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Back on the stage at the Theatre Centre. It is where I am happiest.

3) What do you hope to accomplish with your blog?
Well, I had to set up an email account when I started my blog, and I hear you can get attachments on e-mail. I am hoping to get lots of treats attached…

4) If you went to the pet store, what is one thing you couldn’t leave without buying?
I saw a ferret I really wanted, but mom wouldn’t buy it for me. I heard her say something about me being a ratter.

5) What do you want to be when you grow up? If you are already a grown up, did you do what you wanted to do?
I didn’t know I wanted to be a therapy dog until I got to go into the kid’s hospital and make them smile. Now I smile the whole time I am there doing therapy, and they smile too. It’s my best trick. I am an actor, a therapy dog, an agility dog and a freestyle dog. Yep, I did what I wanted to do, and am still doing most of it.

6) What is your favorite animal? Me

7) How would you describe your personality? My motto is “Mine, now.” Even though I can be pretty self-serving, I really am sensitive to how people feel and try to make them feel better when they are sad. I am busy, as in, “Why walk when you can trot?” I am focused on whatever I do. I like to bark but understand when Mom tells me to be sweet.

8) If you could change one thing about your parents, what would you change? They would feed me more often and with their food.

9) Do you sleep in the bed with your parents, a crate, couch, or a doggy bed? I start out in my kennel. Then I get in bed with my folks. Then I sleep on the big ortho dog bed that used to belong to my sister Lily, who went to the rainbow bridge. Then I get back in bed with Mom and Dad. Sometimes I get back out and sleep on the rug. I move around a lot. I have homemade wooden doggie stairs right next to the bed, so it is easy to do. (I hope this wasn’t supposed to be a one-word answer. If so, the answer is crate-parents-doggiebed-rug.)

10) Do you play fetch? No, I play catch. I make up the rules, of course. Playing catch with the ball is good training for catching food, and that’s what’s important. Actually, once in a great while I will play fetch, but I only do it to make my Mom happy. If she throws the stick or ball more than once, I quit. I can only make her so happy, then her happiness is her own responsibility.

11) If you answered ‘yes’ to #10: Why would you play that silly game?! I just don’t understand it! If you answered ‘no’, is it because it makes no sense to you, too???

Lexi-book-cover-scaled-2-nonPSD

Nope, I’m not sick, but I did miss work today.

This is Tuesday. Mom was home yesterday because it was some sort of a holiday. But I know today is Tuesday, my first workday of the week. However, I got left at home. Something about Mom and a doctor appointment and she couldn’t take me. Then I heard what happened at work, and I feel avenged for being left.

Mom’s co-minion: “Where’s Lexi?”

Mom: “She stayed home today because I have a doctor appointment this afternoon.”

Co-minion: “Oh no! Is Lexi ok? Is she sick?”

Mom: “I can see where I stand.”

Two hours later the boss lady enters the building.

Boss lady: “Where’s Lexi?”

Mom: “She stayed home today because I have a doctor appointment this afternoon.”

Boss lady: ” “Oh no! Is Lexi ok? Is she sick?”

Mom: (Sigh) No, it’s me who has the doctor’s appointment.”

Boss lady: “Oh, I am so glad Lexi is okay.”

I am Lexi, the avenged